Declaration

Sorry I have been busy

Sorting myself out

Sorry I have been busy

By being angry with things that are not in my control

Sorry I have been busy

To step out of the house as my relationship is hanging by the tread

Sorry I have been busy

Thinking till I can’t spiral no more

Sorry I have been busy

Dealing with things that are unexplainable

Sorry I have been busy

Forgetting that I am a human

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Recently I have learnt that I am not for everyone and I should be fine with that. Stopping people from entering into my life for my mental health is not a way to being rude. But the idea of choosing me over everyone for a change.

Maybe my outlook towards life has changed or to be exact of opposite to everything I believed to be. Does this scare me I ask myself? The answer to this question has petrified me that I dare not mention.

The riddled honest values that made me a avid toy to the bullies, studs and aka the popular hearchy. Now they changed me to be someone I don’t even recognize to be. The world is falling apart as so am I.

Some say I have evolved and some say I am self obsessed monster.  Excuse me for repeatedly falling prey to your drama games and crying myself to sleep. As I chose to control my choice of words in front of you as I believed in goodness of the heart and in hiding my emotions. But what did it yeald me but nothing but being a scape goat for everyone.

The years it took to build my confidence and to overcome the piles of insecurities calcified against each other. The trauma that was built brick by brick year after year from inside out. Right now I have nothing but a barricades of protection against all human beings. The same words echoing and the repeated nightmares that tore my sleep. Proving everyone wrong became a drug or perhaps a new addiction.

Years together no one saw the growth but somehow I sort of fitted into this new skin of mine. It felt like home and my safe haven. Going one after the other.

I will not apologize if my personality is too much for you. I was moulded into what I am. Call me judgemental freak or that I lack the emotions of being a women as my heart has turned to stone with every ounce of betrayals and back stabs. The tears that I heald within me when all I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs.

Now all this just feels like nothing when I think about it. I don’t know what I am becoming. I have grown to find comfort in the never ending silence. The deepest fears have been engraved into my sanity. The world should get the credit for showing me the worst side of the toxic humanity at a young age.

I have stopped responding. The world is nothing but a messed up blur. Where good in me is eaten up and used till I am left with nothing but emptiness sinking into me.

 © Raghavasree